Well here I am again, writing another thread and going through my thought processes:

Understanding where we are at in depression can be very hard in my opinion. There are times I am probably in need of some help in whatever form that may be but expressing it or even knowing when I’m at that stage is bewildering.

I go through times of self doubt... am I even depressed? Is this some sort of fantasy that I’ve concocted? No one seems to comprehend what I’m going through so perhaps I’m just plain weird?

On occasion I get hit with hypersensitivity, delusions, scantiness (in the form of sort of losing time... where I just don’t know what I was doing or saying) and on the very odd occasion ‘voices’ in the form of auditory hallucinations... but when I mention these things they get shrugged off. .. the big label of depression or even anxiety is thrown at me and I’m given some pills or half hearted T treatment.

Suicidal thoughts go through my head on almost a daily basis... sometimes they are brief and I can shrug them off... other times they are joined with elaborate (logical and broken down) thoughts of why it would be the best course of action... and that is harder to shrug off.

To this point I tend to guilt myself out of doing anything or I fight it with arguments that I don’t 100% believe in but may have some value: Things can get better... you’ll find a T who can actually talk you through it logically.... some giant hand will pluck you out of the crap you’re in now and life will be flowers and butterflies etc etc.

I do however also feel guilt for looking for help. Read an article in the news section of these boards about mh in the UK (specifically, the police having to step in because of cuts in the NHS when MH sufferers call asking for help due to suicidal thoughts and other reasons) and it’s put me off ever calling anyone to advise that I’m suicidal. I don’t know if this is stupid on my part but the prospects of being put in a cell for god knows how long is not in the least bit appealing and the way the matter was discussed in the BBC program that went along with it – mh sufferers are very much seen as a burden.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post anymore... but I know that a lot of the above bothers me immensely.

Do others here go through these kinds of thoughts and conflicts? Do you self analyse and try to dissect what is happening?

Would be interesting to know I’m not alone in this haha.