Hello,

I've posted on different forums here in the past to ask for help or motivation (I actually just tried to find those posts to remember what I wrote, but I couldn't find them...), but I haven't posted regularly. I'm just at a tough-feeling spot, and am hoping for advice.

Right now, I feel like everything is just becoming too much. I am in my last year at collage and getting a degree in Spanish, despite the fact that I am not at all confident in my ability to speak Spanish. I feel like I should (and I do want to) go to grad school next. I feel like if I don't go now I probably will never go. I have horrible motivation skills, and it is almost a miracle if I get daily tasks done. But, I don't have a career path to go on. I was thinking about a Masters in business, since I don't really know where I'm going with this. The best thing to do would be to talk to someone at the school I'm thinking about applying for, but whenever I think about doing something about my future I just freeze up until I think about something else. Is this anxiety?

I'm thinking that maybe I should try to sort out my personal problems before I push ahead to a future that I have no idea what I want from.

I occasionally have some pretty bad mood-swings where I get really depressed. I just feel hopeless and like I have no future (I even have trouble seeing a future for myself when I'm not depressed...). It feels like there is nothing good in the world. During these mood-swings I can sometimes have a complete turn-around in what I'm feeling in seconds. I will go from feeling like that to feeling cheerful. A lot of the time when I'm not feeling depressed my emotions feel rather empty.

On top of that, I have suspected myself to be on the autism spectrum (maybe Aspergers) and I have trouble communicating. I have one good friend, but I know that I don't get out enough. I have trouble connecting to people.

I also feel highly uncomfortable in my own skin and in my identity. I occasionally have something occur that seems like a mild dissociation.

I also have some anxiety problems (I think). I used to have a phobia of answering the phone. I have a lot of trouble doing anything outside of my routine. I get shaky when I'm in new situations where I don't know what to do - where I don't have a "script."

I am a bit paranoid and don't really trust people with my problems. I don't trust my friend to not accidentally mention my problems to others. The idea of pushing this burden on my parents makes me feel incredibly guilty. I don't want to make them feel bad or uncomfortable. (Actually, guilt is another issue I have. I almost feel guilty by existing sometimes).

I don't know how I managed to force myself to do it, but I went to my college's counseling center last semester. They advertise that they help with all issues, from homesickness to depression, and a lot more listed. It was hard enough to get in, because the person at the front desk was a bit rude and not very helpful. Then, I spoke to someone there for the semester. I didn't feel like it was very helpful. I might know more about myself and my problems, but I don't feel like I got anywhere on making it better. It might even be worse. When it became summer, I said that I needed a couple of weeks to get my part-time job in order. I ended up going to Peru on a study abroad trip. I email her to say this and never heard back. This left me feeling really uncertain and a bit lost.

I think about going to a therapist outside of school, but between the anxiety and the cost I don't know if I'm going to do that. I am really paranoid about people finding out that I'm going through this. I am also paranoid about someone trying to force me to do something I'm not comfortable with. For example, a woman's physical exam is one of my worst phobias. I could never go through with it, but I just feel that nobody would understand. I've never told anyone this, and just writing about it is making my heart beat a little faster and making me feel a little shaky.

I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I don't know if this is really about anxiety, and I've never been diagnosed. I'm just trying to do something with my life, and I was hoping for some advice.

(Are these some problems that people with anxiety often experience, or do I just possibly have anxiety on top of other problems?)

Thanks a lot for reading this.

(Also, I put the trigger icon on. I wasn't entirely sure when to use it.)