Wow, I took a very long break from this thread!

So I told my doc about this situation with the online girl and he told me I am being scammed. I fully expected him to say that. I explained that I am being used, but not scammed. Somehow they are different to me, but I may just be rationalizing. I was a bit annoyed when he cut me off and simply said to stop doing the same dumb thing over and over. I wish it were that easy!

And unfortunately I am still in this cycle of foolishness and embarrassment and shame. The real gf (ex?) was extremely supportive when my stepdad passed away a couple months ago, but the other girl was too. I have come to terms with the fact that I made a huge mistake. I should be working on ways to fix things with the real gf, even though she is currently far away. But I am still faced with the same doubts and self-loathing. And that's not fair to dump on her.

Even if I were to do the right thing and somehow work things out with her, I would still have the guilt of the wrong I have done. I have OCD and the biggest symptoms are hypermorality and intrusive thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about how bad I am for doing this, but I also believe that if I stop helping out girl #2, she will suffer and I will be condemned for that. I am stuck

I got quite drunk a couple weeks ago and tried to work up the nerve to slit my wrists. I failed.