So you may have seen the thread about me hating myself and having sui thoughts again. If not, that was the gist of it. That was a few hours ago.

Last night I barely got sleep and even though I was exhausted I kinda felt like i was on a Caffeine high- haven't had any of that in a while, though. And Christ on a pogo stick right now I am.so freaking awake if there was an awake contest I would win first prize. Seriously. It's nearly 2am by the way.

I spent most of the past hour in lala make believe land. Like acting out a heart-wrenching scene and then sweet revenge and justice with some X men characters and some of my original.characters. Over and over again. Same scenes. To get the tone and feeling right. I don't even know why I did it. I usually only do that when I'm writing. My original purpose for getting out of bed was to take my medicine. Thankfully i actually remembered once I returned from lala make believe land.

I still have feelings of despair and hopelessness, but there's also this weird feeling - like a mix between hope (but not quite) and a high. it feels so weird to have all this swirling inside me at once and it's kinda stressing me out a little. I littlerally feel like bawling my eyes out and laughing maniacally like an idiot because I can at once. I feel like I'm snapping, not to sound melodramatic.

Dammit I need sleep.