Strength is not something I have. People seem to believe I do have strength but they are misled by my dogged determination to survive. People believe that I will be ok, that I can handle whatever comes my way because of my poise in the face of adversity, my intellegence, my humor. They don't see however that it is all an act. Everything that you think I am is a lie. I have always been a lie, never actually real. Something fading in and out, behaving in ways that would make everyone so proud of me. When I can't measure up to the expectations, when I can't be strong enough, poised enough, smart enough to make people proud, I hide. I fade away. I disappear and people forget about me. After all no one has to worry about me because I am strong and can get through anything. I am smart enough to take care of myself.

No, I am not strong. I just don't want to live this life again so I hang on for all I am worth and pray that I am not wrong in my belief in karma and reincarnation and all that. If I am wrong then I should have killed myself a long time ago and not wasted all this energy. Of course if I am wrong why would I want to speed up my trip to hell? That place sounds a lot worse then here. At least here I can turn on the air conditioner when I get into the car on a hot day. Sigh. Either way, whether I am wrong or right it seems like a good idea not to exit this world at this point in time but SI is not exiting. Can someone please remind me of all the wonderful advice I gave you all on reasons not to hurt myself. I can't seem to remember.
Zen

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft