I’m so tired of this depression and this life dragging me down.

I can’t even make plans with my friends without almost having a panic attack. Friends who, even though they’re nice, don’t really understand me, and I’m always scared they’re going to judge me for my lack of progress in life.

I’m so scared right now. I almost feel sick. I’m supposed to hang out with some people on Wednesday who I’m not very close with and who haven’t seen me in a while. I’m already dreading the terrible question “So, what are you up to?” Nothing, I’m up to nothing. I haven’t been up to anything in years. Everyone else is studying or has a job, while I haven’t been able to finish uni, am living life as a semi-shut-in, am crippled by depression and social anxiety, can barely talk to people, much less get a job, and am so very ashamed because of all of this.

These people don’t understand me. I don’t want to meet them. I’m scared. I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed and not come out until Thursday. I can’t play the part of a normal person, I can’t make up lies, and I also can’t tell the truth. I just want everyone to leave me alone, except for like four or five people.

What should I say? When they ask me, what should I say? There’s nothing I could say. I’ll be on edge all night, knowing the question is bound to be asked. I can’t say anything. I don’t want to be there.

I hate what I’ve become. I want to sleep. When I sleep, I’m not worried or scared or lonely or depressed or panicking.

I want relief. I want out.