You've identified the problem, and that's great! But you can also admit that what you've been doing isn't changing anything, so you need to start making some changes yourself. I think talking to a therapist is a good place to start. I'd also start journaling. A therapist will be able to help you develop coping skills and ways to diffuse the anger before it gets out of control. It's going to be in baby steps, but you can get there.

A side note... When my husband and I were dating, I had latched on to some negative thing in his past and I'd bring it up any time I got upset. Then I realized (after lots of journaling) that the reason I was bringing it up is because I was actually upset about something completely different, but it was my go-to emotion. I knew it and it was 'comfortable.' So once I realized that, I'd stop myself and say, "Wait a minute. You know you're over this. What are you really upset about?" It really helped, and I think after the first couple times of doing that, I stopped bringing it up at all, and was able to start working on what was actually upsetting me using "I" statements. (I statements: I feel __[specific emotion]__ when you do __[their action]__ because __[why their action makes you feel that way]__.)

The goal is really to slow down when your emotions start getting high and interrupt the cycle. It'll take a lot of practice (and actually a lot of practice when you're not even angry so when you are angry, it'll come to you easier). But you can get there.