yea. I'm going through my first ever mixed state and it's the worst. i live at home with my parents and they are trying to stay out of my way. i have no idea in hell how i'm pulling A's on my tests at school. i have no idea. it's like my insane self clocks out and someone else with a brain comes in, takes care of my ****, and then i come back and go. wow. an A. how'd that happen, i wish i was there. my cylces are ultrarydian(?) - and i snap at random strangers...i try to control it....so it just comes off as super rude instead of flat out anger...i dropped a piece of paper and i was busy putting my hair up to stop and pick it up so a nice, innocent man (poor guy, i feel so bad) asked "Is this yours?" and started to bend down. and i said "I got it" --thinking just leave me alone don't touch my ****...even though if its all over the floor -- but he kept bending down...so i kind of yelled "I got it!" again ( i never even looked at him this whole time, i don't even know what he looks like...jesus christ...this sucks...)
...and he replied "ok, jesus...sorry!" God i feel bad...i never do that. i've never done that. ****...sigh. I've been in a mixed state since the beginning of September and it hasn't let up or anything. i only take depakote 1000mg right now (JUST started on meds so it takes a bit to introduce meds for me since i'm sensitive to meds) and 90% of the time i'm just tired, unmotivated, depressed and pissed off. with occaisional random spurts of good feel energy. i freakin' hate this. this state sucks. i hate it. and NOW... as of these pat three days? i'm finding it impossible to sleep - any recomendations on taking a benedryl to go to sleep or bad idea? - sorry for the rant. i don't know anyone in real life who would want to listen to this....so it's to the virtual world i turn. again. sigh.