Some of this might be repeated from my other threads, but I hope I'll only repeat the relevant parts.

10 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD and received some CBT. My latest psychologist/psychiatrist team do not believe I have OCD, because I went to see them to deal with severe depression and did not express OCD symptoms. That makes me quite frustrated, because I am receiving no help now, except for antidepressants. When I was younger my symptoms were all about counting and checking. I still have those symptoms, but they truly do not bother me. Sure, I have to cycle through all related channels before I can land on the one I really want, and sure I have to check the locks 4 times, but I can live with this.

What I cannot live with are my intrusive, obsessive thoughts. I have been dealing with hypermorality/responsibility for so long that I cannot really remember life without these thoughts. I have feelings of guilt and self-loathing and they get worse every day. I am sure they will lead me to kill myself. Sometimes I hope they will.

I believe that if I do not do certain things, people will be harmed or die. Several years ago I was walking outside with my gf and I saw a used needle on the ground, right by the sidewalk. I picked it up and through it far away where nobody would find it. I "knew" that if I did not do that, someone would step on it or poke themselves when they attempted to pick it up. My gf and I had a big argument over this, as she was afraid of me or her getting some disease from it. I know she was right, that I could easily have pricked myself or her. But I just could not pass by and leave it there.

Similarly, if I see a banking statement or addressed envelope on the ground, I must throw it away or mail it. If not, I will have the fear that the person's info will be found by a criminal and he or she will be hurt

When I am away from home, I have to pray that all the people I see make it home safely. I sometimes (though this is diminishing) have to pray that an aircraft I hear or see will land safely. If I see a program about a natural disaster or building collapse, I have to pray it won't happen here. Then I feel guilty and pray it will never happen again anywhere (knowing this is absurd).

When I pass people on the street, I always have bad thoughts about them, about their skin color, weight, person they are with, etc. I do not want these thoughts, they just happen. And when I try to stop them or distract myself, they get worse. Along with these thoughts, I get intrusive blasphemous thoughts. I am not the most religious or devout person, but these thoughts really upset me.

My obsessive thoughts also affect my life when it comes to employment. I was laid off from my job in February. My stepdad went into the hospital in March and stayed there until his death 2 months ago. I chose to spend nearly every day with him rather than look for full-time work. Now, however, I cannot look for work. A former college instructor sent me 2 job ads recently; I did not apply for either of them. I occasionally look for jobs in my field, but as soon as I find something and read the qualifications and expectations, I close the window and do not apply.