This is not because I am lazy and don't want to work. I really do. But whenever I read a job ad and I do not have the exact qualifications the employer is looking for, this voice in my head tells me I am a failure and will never get the job, so why bother. I let that voice control me, because it's easier than fighting it anymore.

My brother paid for a subscription to a website that teaches how to start your own business as a freelancer. I have followed the lessons and tried to put some of them into practice. But the same problem I have when looking for work pops up. I don't have the self-confidence to go for jobs or projects. I "know" I will fail and when that happens, I will be incredibly demoralized. My brother often asks how things are going and how many jobs I have gotten. How can I tell him none? One time he said something like "I want to see a return on my money!" (not his exact words) I appreciate his help and I am happy he thought of me, but the pressure is hard to take. In addition to the initial cost, there is a (nominal) monthly fee. He recently said that he thinks of it whenever he sees his credit card bill.


I don't know how much longer I can take this. His pressure on me sends my OCD into overdrive, but I cannot tell him. Another of my symptoms is super heavy guilt. I just cannot confront anyone.

I have major problems with guilt. I constantly think of things I have done wrong in my life and I am always trying to make them better. This generally leads to people becoming frustrated with my constant apologies or need to discuss things. I am trapped in my own head.