I'm still so intrigued by the energy and connections people here seem to have despite having depression. How do you manage to do it? I can't. People here seem to have friendships, relationships, families, children, jobs -- things I don't have in my life, and have no energy to try to put into my life.

Without exageration, I think I've been outside of the house three or four times in the past month (I don't count opening the door to pick up the newspaper). Maybe once each week I go to pick up the mail and a few groceries. My connections seem to be nil. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were all spent alone, as was my birthday.

Sometimes I think I could have a heart attack or a stroke and it would take weeks before anyone noticed I wasn't around -- and sometimes I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I don't know if I even know how to connect to people any more.

How many other middle aged women sit around drinking vodka martinis and listening to alternative rock? The tune I haven't been able to get out of my head lately is an old one by Tears For Fears, called "Mad World." Can anyone else relate to these lyrics?

Mad World -- Tears for Fears

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world mad world . . . .


At times I can particularly can relate to the chorus, "The dearms in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had . . . " (**sigh**) No, I'm not going to hurt myself. I just feel so empty sometimes, that's all.