I read this post and I want to know are you getting or seeking professional help? Are you balking at help? Are you disatisfied with your present pdoc/therapist (if you already have one) ????? I balked about getting help, but something clicked (like loving someone) and I sought out professional help, it can help you to give it a try.
Meanwhile I am sending you positive thoughts, I'd say prayers but I am not too religious. Some of the things your post said, I too have had some of the same feelings, especially driving into a wall or off a bridge, again if you get help soon YOU CAN get through this
Please take care now,

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON