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yes I totally get it. There is the reason self. The self that knows. And then there is the part of the self that is effected by the ed. And that part is not always on board with the constructive thinking. I honestly think of that part as the ed. Its the part of my mind that's effected.
The desire to have a child may end up helping you to fight this ed. And to win. The voice/thoughts of the ed is not who I am. Although it will take me over if I let it. The great deceiver. That's what I call it.
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