Yeah, I think mindfulness is exactly the way to go about improving attentional capacity. And exactly the way to go about learning not to be hard on yourself too. I guess that people tend to worry that if they aren't hard on themself then they won't change. What I seem to notice more of, however, is people being hard on themself tends to create present distress and also tends to prevent change.

I think most people are too hard on themself. And we see people being hard on themself and we think that we need to be hard on ourself too. That that is the way one is supposed to do things. I don't know very many people who are good at being gentle and caring with themself. The people I know who are very capable of doing that seem to have less problems with change... I guess it could be the case that they simply don't need to be hard on themself... But then it could be the case that not being hard on yourself is precisely the way to go about change.

I find it hard when people give me positive comments or compliments. I've had many years of 'well this was great but that...' or positive comments followed by negative or derogatory comments. When people give me positive comments now I tend to cringe and wait for the negativity. It can take a long time to start to internalise the good comments and learn to appreciate them because nothing bad will follow. It simply takes time...

I went through this phase of thinking that clinician's must know me better than I know myself because one of my diagnostic symptoms was a lack of a sense of self. I always thought I knew fairly much who I was but clinician's thought otherwise. I think I've come to see that basically we differed in our opinions lol. I read a lot of stuff on how I was supposed to be 'attention seeking' and 'manipulative' and a 'liar' and to have an 'anger problem' and engage in 'self deception'. I didn't think I was those things... I mean sure I hated myself but I didn't think I was those things... But then maybe the clinician's were right after all and my denial was just more self deception...

The moral of that is that listening to other peoples opinions of you can %#@&#! you up most severely. Sometimes other people aren't kind. When clinician's are feeling frustrated with us for not changing as fast as they would like they often start blaming the client by making the above assumptions or by saying derogatory or nasty or hurtful things or by blaming the client for lack of progress because 'they can't help someone who won't help themself' or whatever. Taking all their baggage on board can be soul destroying.

It is their baggage...

Is your therapist helping you? She may have helped you a lot in the past... But is she helping you now?

I'm just a bit concerned that she is playing the role of the external critic / abuser to mirror your internal one.

Doesn't matter where fault or blame lies (fairly senseless to engage in that)... Sometimes the fit is just such that the therapist plays the roles instead of transforming for an alternative ending.

Seems like your therapist is finding herself in a role and blaming you... It isn't about blame... Sometimes the fit is such that...

Take care of yourself.