Went back today. I could feel myself crashing, the nearer today came. All Kept thinking about was that T must enjoy my pain. I know she doesn't but that was the thought that stuck.

I felt in shock sitting in the room again. Looking around at everything that is familiar, but somehow strange too.

I really wanted to stay "true" to feelings today and not smile my sesion away. So I told her I was crashing, that it was hard. She asked if I had manage to "hold" her in my mind at all? I said no, but she said for me to feel the pain (mourne) I must have held her some because I was feeling her abstence.

WIth that my leg started swinging and I was fighting to hold back the pain. She said "your trying to not get upset" that was it, I just couldnt hold it back.

I asked her if it will ever get better? she said yes, but its going to take a very long time. I asked if all her clients suffer like this? She said, no, but then they haven't had the experiences you have.

I said I didn't think it mattered about knowing my birth mother laughted as she gave me away, but somehow that is hurting now as well. I told her I feel she laughts when I leave also, and I asked if she does? She "no I don't" but she understands it will take me a long while to feel the truth off that.

I nearly fell asleep at one stage I was so desperate to stop hurting. She said that accepting that it hurts when she isn't there, is opening up a big chunk of myself, that i have previously denied. Somehow that must be a step forward, but it sure dont feel like it.

Oh god how much more pain does one have to suffer?

I asked her if she holds me in mind? she said yes, I said but if you hold someone in mind, then you can also forget them? she replied "what give you away, like your birth mother"? I said, Yes I guess thats what I'm meaning.

I wonder what she thinks when she holds me in mind? I may get brave and ask her that next session.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.