Mouse, thank you so much for this post, you'll see how it spoke to me (and comforted me). I had a dream last night about my therapist, whom I terminated with summer of 2005 after having seen her for nearly 20 years between 1978 and then.

In the dream, I was in a large house, my house, and it was late at night and there were lots of people, relatives and family friends. I was waiting for my T to come visit me, we were going to have a session before she went away or after we had terminated, I don't remember. I think she was moving or had moved or something like that. It was "around" Christmastime, there were lots of lights and a "party" atmosphere, she was supposed to show up at 10:00 p.m. and I started looking for her out the window about ten or twenty of the hour. She didn't come. It got to be 10:10 and people started leaving or going to bed. Everyone knew I was waiting for someone and that they should clear out so I'd have some privacy when she came. But she didn't come and I "knew" she wouldn't but kept looking out the window for her. . .

I saw my therapist between 1978ish to 1987 then 1996 to 2005. In the 9 years between, I had moved away and never expected in my wildest dreams I'd ever see her again, I dreamed about her once every 6 months for 2-3 years and they were usually dreams like the one above where we were supposed to meet but something got in the way. The meetings were always the "last" too or, once, we were to begin again because I had "failed" therapy and she was disappointed in me. Only one of the dreams that I remember was "happy" and in that one I told her on the phone that I loved her. But usually they were crushingly sad with my yearning for her and not being able to get "to" her.

As you may remember, my mother died when I was a toddler and had been sick all my life, my stepmother was harsh/controlling, even abusive, so your and my lives are a bit similar I feel.

I was working in my journal on the dream, what it might mean, what I can do for myself, etc. trying to stay with the pain of the unrequited yearning (sorry for the flowery/poetic wording but it seems to fit) and eventually my thoughts did "their" thing and I felt comforted and more whole again. I did some thinking about the differences between the late-1980s dreams and last nights, their effect on me (crushing depression for at least half a day, "subdued" feeling for several days/a week) and how I feel differently now. Though I yearn as greatly as ever for my mother and my T, etc. there's "more" of me and I'm no longer "just" that yearning pain. And the pain is part of "Me" in a functional way, a building block? way instead of being something I'm trying to get rid of. It's "Me" and I am comfortable and accept it as such and wouldn't want it gone if I were able to get it to go.

You know how when you break a bone, the healed portion is stronger than the rest afterwards? Feels like that kind of.

Thought you might like to see what you could be looking forward to. Keep working, it IS worth it (I believe).