in this place i'm in i just digress to despair. i think that all w_i cares about is how my hurting me hurts the body and hurts her. i don't think she really cares about me at all. she just doesn't want to hurt physically. no one does i suppose. they care about what i do so they don't hurt.

i don't wan to hurt anyone--esp the littles....

nothing makes any sense. i feel like i'm a "dropped call" like the advertisement on tv. dropped, lost and not heard....not saying you guys don't hear me...... please don't take it that way.....i'm mostly refering to inside and RL ppl who have been doing this to me....

i don't know how to be angry at anyone. i blame it on me. i did something wrong.....somehow i believe that i'm not good enough and don't hurt bad enough to have been cared for.....or be cared for.

its scary to accept anyone caring for me.....they'll leave or at some point just drop me. never had friends. and the ones i did liked my mother better than me. they came over to visit with her. i was always invisible.
the nobody.

i tried a couple of times to "end it all" but it didn't work......even in that i failed. failure, nobody, invisible, ignored, not good enough and not hurting bad enough......not enough----

i'm too needy. that drives ppl away. so i don't bother anyone and that makes me feel alone. can't win. it's a slippery slope into a mean unforgiving ocean with no chance of surviving. and nothing to grab onto.....

i think i'm about to hit the rocks at the bottom.......
n