This may be too weird to some... And I do not know if I can express this well enough to be understandable.

I have had a number of suicide attempts. My therapists (I have multiple) know this. My DBT therapist is working hard on getting me to stop my SH.

IMO - cutting is one thing (which I do). I also "knock" on my head (very similar to how you knock on a door). It does not leave any marks. There is NO damage. Thus, (IMO) it is not self harm. Yet I **need** this - it kinda slaps me back into reality. Or awakens me when I feel like I am falling asleep / inattentive (like at work or while driving). Sometimes it is more aggressive (pounding on door frames or other hard objects) - she doesn't really know about that....

I have been not been in a good place lately.... as in some serious suicidal ideation.

Part of this was I tried (and succeeded) on a whole day with no SH (not even head knocking). It was an AWFUL day. I was struggling terribly to get through the day and it was VERY triggering to me. Personally I firmly believe that without my SH - I would commit suicide. Thus SH is a net good.

My shrink knows this - yet on Monday she told me that I need to have two days with ZERO self harm. I feel totally out of control. I am cutting every day. Pounding my head. And I can not stop thinking of hanging myself...... I think she is CAUSING more harm.

Am I way out of line??