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Originally Posted by duende
Hi Samanthagreene,
I'm glad you shared this. I haven't SI'd in a long time. (Well, I guess I did one thing 3 months ago, but other than that, I really haven't.) Sometimes it's been through image seeking on the Internet especially. And sometimes it's been by listening to really abrasive experimental noise turned up really high on my headphones. I think for me, I seek it out if I'm feeling really empty or scared of facing some kind of boredom or silence. ShatteredSanity and CrimsonBlues, you described something that resonates with me too. I guess for me it seems to be sort of like flirting with seeing how close I can get to SI again and testing myself to make sure I don't want to. Probably need to work on that one.
I like what Uselessme brought up about having someone to distract you. That sounds like a good idea. Something I'm also wondering about possibly looking into is....do you have something that really stimulates your interests or makes you feel really inspired to create something? I should probably look into this myself, but sometimes really powerful art or music can give me that, oh idk, piece of mind or strong feeling. And maybe it doesn't have to be triggering, but just strong. Again, like UselessMe says, maybe it can be strong AND shake off that negativity?
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Hello duende-thank you for your comments-they resonated with me as well. I was thinking, as I read your comments, that it might have something to do with control. One of the reasons I use SI is to control, or try to, the overwhelming emotional and pain and physiological effects. It's a way of trying to take control of what is going on inside of me. I'm trying to control the source of the pain and make it more bearable by turning into a physical pain. I was abused throughout my childhood and other people controlled me and they decided when they would inflict some kind of pain on me. I don't know how it sounds but one reason I use SI is to try to drown out the pain of the memories and flashbacks and "control" them with self-injury. Maybe when some of us test ourselves we are also attempting control-control over the emotional pain or the things that lead us to SI
and to control the urge to injure ourselves as well. I don't know if this makes any sense or rings true with anyone else.