Alexandra. I totally relate too all your fears and struggles. I am getting to the point, I think, where I hurt so much that its less painful to say stuff that I have found almost impossible to say. I just dont want to hurt no more, I just don't want to be this needy vunrable person anymore, I want to do what its going to take to move on, and I think for me that is going to be asking the most embrassing and neediest questions I can think off to T.

You know just today I asked T if she did laugh when I have left, because the tape in my head says she does. Right now I can hear her gentle voice sayingnn "no I don't laugh" I'm glad I asked that question now because the tape in my head has another option to play.

Instead of her laughing in my mind, its being rescued with her "real" response.

Anyways, I hear ya and your not alone, and I dont find you discusting or anything else, infact I like looking for your posts :-)