Hi there!

Ok, so I know this is an often asked question, but I have to see how it applies to my own relationship...

My husband and I met while travelling. I was 27 and he was 24, but the age difference didn't seem to matter. He was head over heels, way way into me and very open with his feelings for me and his desires for our future. We were from two different countries (me the US, him Spain), so we decided, after a year of travelling and him in the US, that I would move there.

That's when things changed. He started criticizing me. He would get mad at me for everything I did. I can't even remember specifics now, it started three years ago, but he would yell at me for everything. If he lost something, it was my fault. If he couldn't sleep, he would have a fit. He would be hot and cold, sometimes being very affectionate, sometimes literally putting his hand up to his face if I tried to give him a kiss.

He also started criticizing the United States EVERY DAY. I know lots of people have problems with the US, but I was living in another country, far from my friends and family, for him....and it got to the point where I would cry and beg him to not mention it anymore and he would say "look how patriotic you are!"

Then came the...other stuff. He started saying he didn't believe in monogamy. He would go out with his friends and say I couldn't come, then come home at 5, 6, 7am (which is not THAT out of the ordinary in Spain but still). If I said anything to him or tried to talk he would REFUSE. He said I was too "cerebral", that I talked too much. He wanted to fix the problem with "touches" etc. He didn't like to call me his girlfriend because it was too possessive. He a few times said he wanted an open relationship, then would take it back. He then started telling me he had desire for other girls, that he was very attracted to other women, etc. I would say ok, its over and he would beg me to stay, saying he was sorry and he was just being stupid, etc.

Finally, my self esteem diminished and my trust in him finally cracked. I started to doubt his every movement. He would go out for the day and disappear--I wouldn't get a text or call from him, or he would be shady about what he was up to. If I ever asked him in even a slightly accusatory way he blew up....I started to doubt his fidelity.

That's when I started reading his texts and fb messages. Last year he started going out with his womanizer cousin a lot (who was single). I found texts from girls at 5am (two or three times, spaced months apart), flirty messages to his coworker, classmates, etc. He is a very attractive man and very very charming so I know he can probably get with whoever he wants. It started to drive me crazy.

I would ask him for the truth, and little by little his repsonses )which were always hostile and basically, shut up and leave me alone) because full-blown rage attacks. I would automatically get apologetic, feeling sorry for ever having said anything. I would beg beg beg him to calm down and not to leave me or the house, which he would do anyway. Very quickly his first response to any problem I had with him would be "Its over, go back to the US". This was even after we were married.

I could list so so so many things. But basically his rage has become his first response. He EXPLODES. He shouts from the bottom of his lungs, says horrible things to me, and then leaves. I will be there begging for him to stop, to calm down, to not do this, to not leave....and it just seems to make him angrier. He has recently started to hit me. He's smacked me in the face twice, hit me with a shoe, thrown me onto the bed, slammed the door in my face (many many times), locked me out of rooms that he's in so I can't talk to him, and this last argument he actually got a water bottle and started spraying it in my face.

After that last argument he went on holiday with his friends to Dublin and Manchester. I got one message from him saying, "if you think your reaction was normal I have nothing to say to you". He was referring to the fact that I had been mad at him (for not seeing me the night before his trip), and he flipped out. He said that he can't stand my anxiety, that I said many things to him (which he could not remember), and that I have a serious problem.

Everything I read says that he is abusive. Except....this thing with control. Everything says abuse is control and he doesn't really control my comings in goings. In fact, he normally never knows where I am as he disappears all day and does what he wants on the weekends. Sometimes if he tries to get ahold of me and I play his game (ie, not answering right away), he does get angry. He has told me never to talk about him to my therapist (that I started going to to try to fix my problem so I could be a better wife), and he does get mad at me when I'm on the phone with my best friend.

However, he is always the one who wants to break up with me. He doesn't seem that jealous of other men (although a bit). He doesn't threaten me if I leave or say I'll leave.

I know this is kind of silly....but is it still abuse? Or maybe am I just that annoying of a person that I deserve this behavior? I'm on the cusp of leaving him (most of my stuff is at a friends house), but I keep going over what he's said to me, how he has made it all my fault, how he doesn't seem to care if I leave and does that make him abusive then? Or just fed up with me?

Anyone, please, I would appreciate your help and advice. This is so long, and I've cut out about 2/3 or what he's done to me. I should add that he has even admitted to cheating on me once, but he said it was out of spite for me accusing him. But even after you cheated on me you had the nerve to tell me that I'm sick with jealousy? And even though he has become increasingly more physically and verbally abusive, it's my "anxiety attacks" which are the reason for our arguments?

I'm just swimming in a sea of self doubt and confusion....