TRIGGER for mention of SI



I have been having strange not typical thoughts of SI. my T has been away off and on a lot .I saw her yesterday and will not see her again for 2 weeks. I was terrified to see her and to tell her what was going on in my messed up head these days.

when I got to her office and sat down it was instant shut down .the thoughts and warnings in my head were so overwhelming. I just kept silent yet again. she asked what was going on ,I shrugged. she asked if I had been traveling it was her that canceled because of vacation. i didn't respond and then she got up and looked at her calendar and saw that she was the one who was gone and that I will be gone the next week. she said that we were talking about how angry I was that she has not been around much and asked if I was still feeling this way. I shrugged again. then she said that she was going to take my lack of response as a yes that I am still feeling this way. I didn't want her to think this at all .so I just whispered no. she said good and then more silence.

everything felt bad .there was someone out side her office freaking me out .at one point I jumped because they slammed the microwave door.my T then out of the blue asked how my dreams were. I don't know why she asked that but it was horrible. I so wanted to tell her about my thoughts but I was even getting sick to my stomach thinking about it and then even getting angry at myself for that . 20 sec of courage because I did really want her to know ,I said that I was waking up with really strange thoughts. then omg I jest freaked in my head with waves of terror, shame and every miserable emotion in existence .I completely shut down again. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS???. anyway she asked me what the thoughts were and I was never going to tell her .I didn't want to be shut down at all I wanted to tell her . but couldn't . instead I said I would rather talk about my new kitten .I had pic and stuff hoping if I was going to shut down this might help. or if I didn't want to talk it would give me an out .she smiled and said sure .few so I pulled out my phone and showed her pic of my kitten and talked about him .it was awkward but it wasn't talking about my thoughts of SI.

silence hit again and she came out with ,we still have some time if you want to tell me about those thoughts you are having . my stomach was doing flips. I cant do this and she isn't letting it go at all. she said if I talk about it maybe it wont seem so strange and scary. through all the warnings and crap in my head telling me to back away I did tell her that I woke up Friday night with the idea that I needed to burn my finger tips and then I just shut completely down. I didn't want to hear myself talk about it or any words coming out of my mouth .or what my T was going to say or anything. I did peek at her to see if she was completely repulsed by what I just said . I couldn't help it . she had to repeat her self but I think she asked if I had ever done this before. I did not want to answer her .what was she going to do to me .she asked again .she was being so pushy. not mean or anything but I was scared not to answer. i hate when she is like that .I told her that I did when I was younger. she asked how .i want to tell her so I just said that I would burn them on the radiators in my house. she said that radiators don't burn your fingers. I was devastated that she didn't believe me .they do and I did burn my fingers on them .my legs also. i don't understand why she didn't believe me? why don't anyone believe me when I tell them things I did or happened. she asked how else did I burn my fingers .I was so upset that she didn't believe me about the radiators that I blurted out on the stove top also. but it wasn't me who did that it was the mother she asked if I was the one who did that .I just shrugged .I was done I don't trust her and I shut down completely .I wanted to vomit so bad my stomach would not settle .it turned every time she opened her mouth to speak.

I think at one point earlier I had asked why am I getting these thoughts now. she asked me now if I wanted her to answer and tell me what she thinks .I shrugged she said she thought I needed to be able to hear what she had to say. she thinks that I am getting these thoughts because I am starting to feel better. that it means that on some level I am ready to face things.so my mind is letting me acknowledge these thoughts and memories ,or something like that.

she said that she knew it was so hard for me to share what is going on and what happened to me and although I didn't say that she was quite sure it was a care taker who did this to me, and probably my mother .she said that she would like to be able to continue to talk to me more about this that she felt it was something important.

she was very nice about it all .she was not mean and didn't seem repulsed by it at all. but I am not sure she believed any on it .could that be why she didn't get disgusted by it all and me. it sounded to me like she didn't believe me .and I feel horrible for saying anything.it also made me want to run home and SI. do give in to what my thoughts were telling me to do. I had it all planned for today after my husband went to work. I have not done it and wont in fact I will be leaving soon to be with some friends for the afternoon .but why wont she believe me about what went on