I can ABSOLUTELY relate to this.

Are you a twin of mine that I never knew about?

I have told my therapist that sometimes it is a visual thing, something that I can see - when I can not feel it.

This is a tough one. My brother used to smack me around on a pretty much daily basis. Or he would sit on my chest until you felt you could not breathe - panic. Or he would literally smack me and yell 'quit crying'.

Here is the tough part. I totally feel that this abuse almost does not qualify as abuse when you compare it to other people... THEY had it bad, I did not.


My mother used to tell me to handle it myself. She refused to step in and help (even though I was very small for my age and my brother was 30-40 pounds heavier than me and much more muscular. IE Impossible to defend yourself without me murdering him (no joke).

And again - this brings twisted thoughts. My mother loved us kids to no end (still does). She did everything for us. So I feel very guilty for bringing this up...... BUT, through her words and actions - she proved that I didn't matter as much. That of the three kids she had - that I was the least important. That she (her words) 'wished I had never been born'. Some wounds never heal.

And you would be yelled at for crying (or HIT until you stop crying - great logic). "Quit crying".

So, my brain learned to believe that this must be normal. This is acceptable. This is what I deserve.

I did not start to cut until about a year or two ago (and I am 48yo). I LOVE how nice your inside of your arm cuts so nice, bleeds nice, pretty painless (I am a wuss) - yet gives satisfaction. BUT, I have kids and I would never want to upset them. So now I only do areas that are covered by shorts - thus nobody will ever see them.

No, thank you for EXPRESSING what I am unable to express through words.