I have been in your position over and over. Ten years with one guy after a zillion back and forths I finally left for good. The next one, I had a little baby and felt it was not a good environment to raise a child. That was easy because I would have (and still would) do anything to protect my child. Now I am married again. It's not perfect. When we have an argument he is so verbally and emotionally abusive. I still don't leave him. I always feel like its my fault. All of them control freaks. What it really comes down to is not valuing yourself so you put up with it. I'm not sure what your family background is like but I know I was raised without love and emotional support (always told I was stupid, would amount to nothing, mom wished I was never born etc.)so I feel I don't deserve it. Take a look at your upbringing and get help while you are still young.