I am so afraid. I feel so lonely. There is not a single person that I know who I can talk to about this. So, I am profoundly grateful that this community exists. I had not engaged in serious SI behavior in over four years. (Relatively minor things happen rather frequently.) Suddenly, yesterday, I did it in the bathroom at my parents' house. I don't know what happened. It was like I was on the ceiling looking down, watching myself. I was thinking "No, don't do that." But I just...did. It isn't much at all. But it is there, and it is obvious. I ran out of their house. They don't know why I left. I can't possibly tell them. I came back to the other house where I live. I cannot stop crying. I really thought I was ok. This episode of depression or whatever it is came out of left field, and it laid me squarely on my backside. My body feels so heavy. I can't get off the sofa. I've been taking my medication. I don't know what happened. I feel so scared. Obviously, I am not in control of my life at all.
I had to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding two weeks ago. I don't know how it's even possible, but somehow I love and hate my extended family at the same time. They have really been nothing but trouble for me all of my life. But I thought I had made it through that. I got through the wedding without SI, without getting wasted, and without getting in a fight with anyone. The wedding was on a Saturday, and on the following Monday, I had an interview for a graduate program that I applied to. I made it to the interview. I did not do a very good job, but at least I got through it. I believed that I was finally developing some healthy coping skills. I was wrong.
Something happened when I woke up yesterday morning. Out of nowhere, I just felt sick. I ache all over. My digestive system is on the fritz. I have no energy. It occurred to me - finally - that the university will not select my application. I failed. Again. For the 99,999th time. I will never be a college professor. I can't even hold a job. I will never amount to anything. I am an only child. I was my parents' only shot....and I failed again. I just couldn't take it. I was so angry at myself. So consumed with failure and self-hatred. I just snapped. Now I don't know how I am going to hide what I did from my parents. They don't know about this. I have managed to hide it for over twenty years of my life, but I don't know if I can this time.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the length and utter solipsism of this post. Again, I am so grateful that there is a place to share these feelings. Otherwise, I fear it would be unbearable.