hi limeaid
you sound completely overwhelmed with your feelings and this is causing you to be really hard on yourself. I consider it a success to even get an interview with a grad program. pat yourself on the back for that. you love your family because there is a family rule saying you have to. that doesn't mean you have to like them. they wore down your defenses. you had no coping skills left. don't judge yourself so harshly for slipping back into SI. instead have compassion for the wounded child who resorted to such painful tactics and love her. take care of yourself.