Hello everyone,

I have been treated for bipolar disorder for about 7 years now. I used to belong to another forum but it became very boring--everyone would talk about what they ate for breakfast that morning-- so I stopped posting and then just stopped talking to anyone.
I don't go to a therapist because I can't afford one and I've got a lot on my plate right now. I thought I was doing okay but something happened to me tonight that just really set me off.
What do I have on my plate? I went on disability a few years back and no matter how hard I try to tell myself that all of my problems are not my fault--I still feel like a failure. It eats at me a lot. I think about it every day. I used to make decent money so it's hard to let go of that sometimes. My daughters need things that I am not able to give them.
What else? My older daughter began to suffer from major depression so severe that she had to stop attending school for awhile. She actually has to do a year over because she basically missed the entire year. I try not to blame myself for it but sometimes I get depressed and I start feeling like I passed on my flawed genes to her and it makes me feel really bad. I'm afraid for her because I know what this all of this entails. She's been through a string of counselors and when we finally found one we liked, she left and I'm not sure about this new one. How can she get better if we can't even keep the same stupid counselor for more than a few months. This has been going on for a year.
There are other things too--but these are the main things.
What set me off? I have a childhood friend who I compare myself to unfavorably. I was looking at something online tonight and accidentally came across her blog. Apparently, she is travelling the globe now and has a travel blog and it makes me feel like such a loser.
I was on public aid a few times when I was younger because I was too sick to work. I stayed down at the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy for really long periods of time where I was only surviving and that was it. So I don't know why I compare myself to her--but I do. And tonight the voices telling me that I can't use the bipolar disorder for an excuse for why I've been unsuccessful, the real reason is that I'm a just a loser and I only use the bipolar disorder for an excuse--those voices are really, really loud tonight.
I hope this isn't too disjointed. I'm kind of upset right now. Does anyone else know how I feel? (I hope I'm positing this right.)