Trigger Warning - talk about sui and si



Right now I really do feel like I'm climbing a mountain that I've created with no means to move up, and almost an urge to let myself fall down. The little glimmer of hope that I've been working with is gone, and I don't know what to do. I want to make it clear that I would never actually do anything to myself, but the thoughts that I have of not wanting to exist anymore have gotten much more frequent. I'm also starting to worry myself about si. It's been over a month since I've done it, but the urge the last couple of days has been quite strong. I have been able to fight it, but what scares me is that I want to do it in a much more damaging way. (Sorry if this is vague, but I don't want to be graphic about it.) I mentioned some of this to my t, and he wants to see me twice a week for a while now. I guess I'm going to, but there is a voice in my head that is asking me what's the point? I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here, except maybe how to overcome hopelessness, especially when life circumstances aren't going to change anytime soon.