Control, sometimes, in terms of domestic abuse, isn't so much, about keeping tabs, telling you what you can and cannot do, but it's about DOMINATION and MANIPULATION(to get their own way)
Once, it crosses the lines into physical abuse, it only gets scarier and scarier of a situation, to be involved in.
Of course, you are having self doubts, of course, you are questioning whether or not this is even abuse, of course, you are reaching the point of blaming yourself for his reactions.
Sometimes, control, isn't about what you imply it is, in the way you have asked, it's about lacking self control, because there is such an inner turmoil going on, inside the abuser.
You seem, on your way out, with having some stuff, at a friends.
Sounds, like you are in therapy? That's all a good start.
I didn't fully appreciate the 'control' word, myself, when I started to question what was going on in my former marriage. (which, even in divorce, grew more and more violent and threatening.)
Of course, you are having anxiety attacks! My anxiety rises, during abuse, it's the adrenaline of the fight or flight response of being human!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmd2192
That's when things changed. He started criticizing me.
. If he lost something, it was my fault.
Then came the...other stuff. He started saying he didn't believe in monogamy. \
He a few times said he wanted an open relationship, then would take it back.
.
I would ask him for the truth, and little by little his repsonses )which were always hostile and basically, shut up and leave me alone)
He has recently started to hit me. He's smacked me in the face twice, hit me with a shoe, thrown me onto the bed, slammed the door in my face (many many times), locked me out of rooms that he's in so I can't talk to him, and this last argument he actually got a water bottle and started spraying it in my face.
Everything I read says that he is abusive. Except....this thing with control. Everything says abuse is control and he doesn't really control my comings in goings. In fact, he normally never knows where I am as he disappears all day and does what he wants on the weekends. Sometimes if he tries to get ahold of me and I play his game (ie, not answering right away), he does get angry. He has told me never to talk about him to my therapist (that I started going to to try to fix my problem so I could be a better wife), and he does get mad at me when I'm on the phone with my best friend.
However, he is always the one who wants to break up with me. He doesn't seem that jealous of other men (although a bit). He doesn't threaten me if I leave or say I'll leave.
I know this is kind of silly....but is it still abuse? Or maybe am I just that annoying of a person that I deserve this behavior? I'm on the cusp of leaving him (most of my stuff is at a friends house), but I keep going over what he's said to me, how he has made it all my fault, how he doesn't seem to care if I leave and does that make him abusive then? Or just fed up with me?
Anyone, please, I would appreciate your help and advice. This is so long, and I've cut out about 2/3 or what he's done to me. I should add that he has even admitted to cheating on me once, but he said it was out of spite for me accusing him. But even after you cheated on me you had the nerve to tell me that I'm sick with jealousy? And even though he has become increasingly more physically and verbally abusive, it's my "anxiety attacks" which are the reason for our arguments?
I'm just swimming in a sea of self doubt and confusion....
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