Thank you feralkittymom and MKAC for your replies. It would be great if the stuff going on with me is just a precursor to some sort of transition. Unfortunately my brain is having trouble believing that. Right now I'm so exhausted from just trying to keep things manageable. I really do want to see things for what they really are, and not have any filters skewing what I see, but it can be hard to know what to believe. Even since I saw my t yesterday, I've had this constant feeling that I can't trust him. Logically I know that there is no reason for me to have a change in how I trust him, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. MKAC - I guess it might make sense with what you say about my defense mechanisms kicking in, but what if my defense mechanisms are too strong? How do I fight them and how do I fight my urge to hide how I am feeling, and how do I fight the urge to just give up on trying? I hope that what I'm saying is at least somewhat coherent.