trdleblue, truly I did a lot of emotional thrashing around. I wanted to quit, it was stupid, it was pointless, my T was just being nice because I pay him to be, the whole relationship ends anyway so why should I invest any effort, this is just how my life is, and on and on and on. I fought all of that by reaching out a friend who I knew would be supportive of me and understand how I was feeling, all the while urging me to keep moving forward and keep trying. I also made an effort to be really honest with T about where I was and what was happening with me. I have emailed him more in the last month and a half than I did in the entire rest of the three years I have seen him. I fought the urge by telling him about the urge and asking him to help me and keep reassuring me that there is a point in going through this crap over and over.