this may seem odd, but I was over joyed to be diagnosed with a bi polar disorder. it was like, finally, someone understands and can help me!

though my meds are helping, I have a hard time accepting the implications of it. no one is understanding and I was even made fun of for it. I am no longer open about it. I'm scared that I can't handle accomplishing my dream of going abroad because I went through a horrible hypomanic and depressive state when I studied abroad this summer. when I got back, my life fell apart and I really wanted to hurt myself and couldn't leave my apartment. I called for help and got it. I'm OK now. it scared me that it all could get that bad.

I am lucky that my disorder (cyclothymia) is not the most intense. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be type I or II. my heart goes out to them. however, I now realize that only 1% of the population has what I have and I fear that I will be forever misunderstood.

I am having a hard time accepting that I will have to be in therapy and probably medicated for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for my diagnosis because of the help I can get, but I am scared for how my life is going to be.

I'm sorry if I'm being dumb and dramatic. I just don't know how to feel all of this. can anyone offer me insight? I would appreciate it.

on a brighter note, I haven't had hypomania since I started my meds the hypomania caused me so much more trouble than the depression and made my anxiety hard to bear. I drink SO much less with my meds because I can now sleep. now, if I am sad, I can tell myself that I will be better eventually without fearing a hypomanic episode (which I used to call "one of my 'uncontrollable' moods. that's good, right?

I'm rambling. anyway, I'm OK if I'm never normal as long as I can live a "normal" life. insight? hugs? advice? :/