hoping writing some will help me out. to start let me say that i don't believe there is a right or wrong answer here. it's about what i can handle, what i can face, and what i want, and what will make me happy... what i'm sharing is about very deep layers that i've arrived to after peeling away the outer layers over layers... that's how this works. we revisit the same issue over and over and over again, each time making progress deeper and deeper... if you read this thinking this is the first time i've ever become aware of it then you've missed the point. hope that doesn't seem harsh. i just am trying to avert comments that might be given to someone who was 20 and just beginning their journey into self-discovery... i feel pretty vulnerable sharing this topic, so... i'm just sayin'. i'm self-aware. i'm conscious. i have been committed and active in getting closer and closer to my true self (vs. the self i was programmed to be)... and i've come a long way, considering my origins... aaanyway...

ok. so i'm 50. have been dating someone for a couple of years. we have our good times and our not so good times. like most couples i imagine. that's what my therapist says anyway. he asked me to move to another state with him next year. he has the job lined up, etc etc. we don't currently live together but have spent good chunks of time together. there will be time for us to spend together after he moves and before i make my move to join him. maybe the trick to all this is just accept that i'm in the process of making a decision and there is a pro to his moving: it forces me to face my fears head on. i had hoped to move closer to his current place before we moved to the new state. timing just didn't allow for that happen. (i live in southern california so living 50 miles apart is common. kinda like we live in different cities, but more kinda like we live on opposite ends of a really spread out big city...

the thing is that i am now facing just how terrified i have been my whole life to let anyone get too close. which is hilarious considering i've wanted to have that special relationship. it's almost like this split in me. i seek them out, i want them, i learn how to communicate better, i learn about myself, but each person has has some issue(s) i couldn't live with. in the majority of relationships i have been the one that has walked away.

i feel soooooooo confused. i don't know if it matters that now i'm where i'm at in my growth and just happen to be with this guy. i guess timing really is everything. i keep thinking back to past relationships and wonder if i was running scared or if we really weren't a good match. i guess there are several variable that come into play. and it's a process... it's kind of a mind-f*$k for me...

• age
• wisdom
• internal growth
• basic compatability
• timing
• experience

i'm not even sure why i'm trying to figure out what happened in the past. just trying to make sense of this fear that i now am beginning to see soooo clearly.

one of the things i saw in therapy today was how much i block even letting myself feel loved and cared for and special to him.

you know, i've never had this kind of security or trust or love or peace in any relationship EVER. i got left out in the cold when i was a kid and i've been wanting and trying and searching ever since. and honestly, this relationship is the closest i've ever gotten. and i think it would be great to start a long-term intimate relationship before i get completely gray!

and i guess i really have to do another level of grieving the loss of never having had that when i should have in the first place. because i think i'm even blocking my own feelings for this person. i tell him i love him. i think i love him. i enjoy our time together. but when my therapist asked me today if i love him i said i don't know. how can i know?? i have absolutely no clue what that feels like with a human. i've even done the same with friends. i get so hurt or so disappointed and we can't work it out so i leave. i am so guarded and wall-ed up and hypervigilant for any sign of "danger". these are so many old habits that i KNOW don't serve me well now. i just have no clue how to change them. all i can think of is to just really practice being present and observing myself and my environment. like today, there was a dog and so i was looking at the dog thinking, "is that the safety that you want? is that as much as you can deal with?" see, instead of trusting humans, i've always trusted animals. and on some level my choice right not comes down to this guy (i know it's not that literal) or another animal companion. i know i can have both. and i know i can choose just animals too. i just have to decide. i know it doesn't mean no human ever again. but for right now, i really have to make this decision. do i leave AGAIN?? my mind knows that everyone is scary to me. as much as i've wanted this i've also "proven" time and time again that noone is worthy. i KNOW there is noone that will be exactly what i want. and i know that holding out for that only keeps me alone.

do i want a loving trusting safe relationship with a human? yes.
am i willing to face my fears to have that? yes
do i know how to face those fears? i have no f&*$#ing idea how to do that. (any tips?)
can i have that with animals? YES
am i afraid? YES
do i believe in working thru my fears? YES YES
then the question: is he worth it?
and that is where i screw myself because i can't see straight. i see him thru eyes of fear and caution so it's all cloudy and muddy and i just can't see clearly... does that make sense?

he moves in a few months, he asked if i can be ready to move my May. i said yes. i do keep visioning our life there together and it seems wonderful each time i imagine it. i think that means something. so i have time. all i can do is just sit still and observe: him, me, me with him, him with me, me with animals... just breath, observe, journal, talk, think, blah di blah....
aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!! i hate limbo!!!!!