Quote:
Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool
No problem, anytime.
There were a series of events in my childhood that made me who I am today. There were many, but the 4 major events are as follows.
1. Age 5, was taken to play with my cousins for the first time. They taunted and would not play with me because I am legally blind. That was the first time I remember realizing that something was wrong with me. I had been so excited to play with them and all they did was taunt me with games like "hide and seek' where they hid, and taunted me to find them knowing I couldn't see well enough.
2. Age 6, my mom's ex-husband took my baby brother who I was very close too away. I remember screaming and sobbing as he took him away because no matter what load of BS he told my mom about us being able to visit, I somehow knew it was a lie. I never saw him again. I would cry for hours after that.
3. Age 6, I was molested by my mom's friend's 12 year old daughter.
4. Age 7 or so, my mom got pregnant. She talked about the baby and even give him/her a name. Around 3 months pregnant she decided to terminate the pregnancy, but didn't explain that to me. I mentioned the baby in front of someone and in her humiliation she yelled and screamed at me. That was the first time I can remember hurting myself. I scratched up my face because I felt bad and thought I was bad for making my mom mad at me.
By the time I was Dx in 2011 I thought I was over those 4 things, but I broke down when I talked about them in therapy. and I am crying right now. but letting it out and knowing that others have the same extreme emotions I do really has helped.
Sorry if that was a bit personal but I identify so much with feeling crushed and alone. I'm lucky I didn't lose my daughter in the system. I don't think I'd forgive myself if the state took her away. I was clean by the time I got pregnant with my second child.
I don't mind that you added me at all, I added you back.
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Not too personal at all
I can imagine what it must have been like. The pain of my childhood and then later abusive relationships is something I just cant seem to make "peace" with.
I have gone to drugs and alcohol a lot in my life to feel "normal". Honestly I feel the best when I smoke pot. I know that there is a big debate and many perceived pros and cons, but for me personaly, small amounts a couple times a day have helped me more than any med ever did. Its frustrating because if they would just give me "pot-Pills" I feel like it could change my life.
Maybe one day. For now I cant afford to smoke like that so I am just on wellbutrin. Been on it for about 4 weeks now. it helped me quit smoking. Thats it so far
I have tried so many meds. Have you found a med that helps more than others?
I am very sensitive to all meds which makes it very difficult to stick them out.
A lot of them trigger my anxiety and insomnia which is unberable to me.
I have sobbed to my therapist more than once begging her to just give me a lobotomy or ECT. Of course she refused but I feel so desperate at times.
I just want a light at the end of the tunnel. Something that gives me hope.
This site and talking to people like you that truly know what its like has helped a lot.
No one around me "gets" it. They either dont know about BPD or they kinda do but dont care to realy find out how it affects me and how they can help.
I always feel so needy. Like help me please help me needy. I would assume that comes from childhood neglect? Idk but it makes me feel so pathetic.
Hope we all have better days ahead..