I appreciate all the support. I'm not up to making individual replies.....I hope you understand.

Reading what was said did begin to get me in touch with my feelings. My mom could be very harsh. E.g. she disowned her own twin sister nearly fifteen years ago, over a dispute over their father's estate. She never allowed another contact of any sort. I think my ambivalence is part of why I feel stuck, between two extremes. And what this all did to the holidays.

One day at a time....

Lar