(TLDR; does my therapist think im a lost cause?)

Not really sure what happened today in therapy but I feel kind of awful. I’ve been seeing my T for an eating disorder since March, in which time I’ve made basically no progress. In therapy I usually feel like I’m just talking in circles, repeating the same stuff week after week and outside of therapy I haven’t been able to make any significant changes- in my behavior or in my thoughts. Some days I feel really motivated and want to try to recover but overall I’m still very much stuck in my ED behaviors and I’m so torn between wanting to recover and wanting to stay the same. I think the only way to explain it is to say I’m trying as hard as I can/ I’m not trying very hard at all. As soon as things become uncomfortable I go back to my old ways.

Today in therapy I brought this up, I admitted I’m very stuck in my behaviors and having a very hard time making changes. Blah blah as we’re talking I told T if I wasn’t me I’d hate me because of how difficult I am to deal with, to which she responded “Well it is hard to deal with you because you refuse to even try to change your behavior.”

Argh, floored me. It’s the truth yes…but for god’s sake I want to change so bad, I’m really going to try so hard the next 2 weeks until I see her but I feel so freaking awful. Besides this comment she just seemed so distant and uncompassionate this session. Does she think I need that? What I want is reassurance, encouragement, specific ideas. Am I wrong for wanting this. I don’t know, I feel like she hates me. My brain is attacking me from all sides tonight and I feel like a failure, like my T doesn’t want to bother with me any longer.