freewilled- It really means a lot to hear you say that. The hurt is pretty fresh so in 2 weeks when I see her again I'm not sure I'll even have the courage to bring it up. I asked her today what can I DO since I haven't made any progress and she said I need to start challenging the irrational ED thoughts I have. Challenge the beliefs that are clearly lies and keeping me trapped in my ED. So I'm really gonna work on that this week- its more of a minute by minute challenge though and its exhausting and frustrating and scary. I asked her how I'm supposed to freaking challenge these "lies" when to me they are truths. She and other people tell me one thing but my head tells me another. Therein lies the whole matter of the ED though right? anyways..yes it hurt. I hope she meant to help but it feels like she just meant to drive me away. mission accomplished
purplemystery- Thanks for replying !! It means a lot to have other people understand. I hear over and over again that it takes time so that is why it hurt a lot for her to say that. I do feel so much more ashamed, and really just overall like a failure. a really huge giant failure. She has made a couple comments to me along the lines of 'you've been thinking this way so long it'll be really hard for you to change' argh some days i really wonder if im seeing the right T. I don't know. I want encouragement and support but maybe what I need is a swift kick in the butt? I think my T thinks so.
mixedup emotions-
It's one thing to struggle with making changes - and it's another to not make any effort at all. Exploring the barriers that are getting in the way of you trying to make changes may be worth addressing. <--- that is exactly what my T said today lol. I have told her over and over its the physical discomfort and complete self loathing that stands in the way. I can't explain it to her any differently that it makes me want to die, to go insane to run away to scream and cry and that is why i try to challenge my thoughts and then go back to my ED. I know I haven't tried very hard though, its not her fault its all mine and all my choices. I want to choose right, i want to make an effort. I don't know whats holding me back and keeping me down. its freaking difficult to do this. I hate being a whiner and complainer. I hate disappointing people, I know you're right and she's right, I have to try. I just feel pretty lost some days.