I haven't been around here much, mostly because I've had a rough few weeks. I got in that car accident that totaled my car and I haven't been well since. I don't know why a car accident could upset my world so much but any stability I had is gone. I am so extremely stressed out by my job that today I had a bizarre episode.

This whole week has been just one day worse than the last. Every day I wake up and feel chained to my bed. I get up super late because I just can't face it. Even over the weekend I would wake up in a panic when my son woke up because I had to get up and face the day. But this week has just been awful. Every day has just been more stress on top of the other stress that never dissipates. I have so much paperwork that I never do because every day when I try I get a phone call that this student did this and where is my staff and I need this paperwork and this one is roaming the halls.

Today was the same. Now I have my principal telling me they are going to pull my certificate if I don't go back to school for my special Ed cert and that means I lose my job. Well I can't go back to school. I will lose my mind for sure. It's too much stress. A year ago I thought it would be fine, that I could do it no problem. And I probably could have. But now that everything has fallen down on top of me again and I cannot do it. But I can't tell them that without disclosing my MI and I guess I'm just fired all around now.

So today I had a Terrible day. I thought I honestly couldn't make it through. At the end of the day I was so overwhelmed that I just...shut down. It was so strange. I guess I can liken it to a panic attack almost. I literally sat in my chair and stared at my computer screen or my hands for about an hour. . I could not move. I could not do any work. It was like my mind was blank. Thinking of things I had to do caused panic. Not jut work. Even thinking about having to make dinner or pick up my son or pretend to be ok in front of someone caused panic and I just sat. When three thirty finally ticked by I was paralyzed. I couldn't leave my classroom. I couldn't think about anyone trying to talk to me. The only way I manged to get out of my classroom was to break it down into small steps. Ok now I'm going to get up. Now I will shut my blinds. Now I will walk in the hall but keep my head down so no one will talk to me. I will get to my car. Mission accomplished - new set of goals when I get to the car.

I did run into someone on my way out but thank god it was the teacher I told about my mental health issues last year - he suffered a breakdown about two months before mine and chose to tell me about it so I knew I could trust him when everything blew up in my own face. I shared with him a little about my struggles but nothing too much. Thank god it was him. I couldn't have pretended to be normal with anyone else.

I feel like my brain shorted out. I feel like I was able to recover a little on my car ride home because I was alone. And no one was home when I got home thankfully. I was able to switch on for my son because I feel so guilty about being stuck Ina depression again. I don't want him to grow up like I did.

I guess I need to talk to my pdoc on Monday. I'm supposed to be discharged for my IOP Tuesday so I hope she can see me.

Uuuuuugh I just feel so hopeless and listless. I hope I don't have another bizarre episode on Monday. I need to keep my job at least until may when new teaching jobs come out.

Anyone else joining me on the struggle bus? Beep beep!