This is probably a silly question, but your ED is so compelling, I wonder if you've had a chance to work through all the good things you gain from it, to process with your therapist yet all the compelling reasons not to change?

It just seems from your post like you're chastising yourself for not giving up something that is black-and-white bad, but obviously it's really rewarding.

You're gaining so much from this disorder, it offers you a lot of benefits: have you two acknowledged them all and how you're going to get all those good things more safely?