Thanks again for the heartfelt responses. I do need friends who understand and I really appreciate the support.

My ex is being really difficult about custody and is being pretty awful in general. She's dating again (the kids told me), and seems to view me as old baggage. All I want is to be back in the house, lying in bed next to her, and just relaxing. Instead I'm pumped up with psych meds and still feeling depressed. I really identify with what "cboxpalace" said about having no use for this life except for the kids. I spent the whole day connecting with people and barely had a moment alone. But still I feel so empty.

I have a "fun" day planned tomorrow with a friend, going into the city and then to a halloween party. This is a lot better than right when my marriage ended and I had few friends and little connection. But still I'm not any closer to feeling happy. I very much feel that my ex stole my identity and took away all my pleasure.

I hope that someday I'll look back and feel fulfilled again. I definitely see the advantages of relying on more people in my life, and slowly getting over abandonment and rejection. But I think back about how close to death I've been, and just want to press "fast forward" and get to a time when I'm not so raw.