Blue_Bird, from previous posts I think you are knowledgable about bipolar disorder ... and I'm hoping you know this time as well that what you're feeling isn't attached to any reality in fact. this is not your world, your life, or yourself. .... You brain chemistry is out of whack, and your medical condition is out of control.

Nothing is going to sense right now because your brain isn't functioning as it ought to be. You need professional help. Do you have any sort of support group where you life?
Roadie