Your post has brought up many thoughts for me. First, I see one positive--your husband actually told you about his fantasies. He did not go behind your back to live out any of his sexual hopes.

The big downside is that obviously you are not on the same page, and that's where you have problems. I don't fully understand what you mean by "normal sex is not an option anymore." Is this because of his ED or because he only wants to act out his fantasies? I agree with another's comments that an open relationship probably only works when both parties agree to it; not when one convinces/forces the other to give it a try.

Do you think your husband's ED is making him think he can only 'perform' if he's in a new/exciting/taboo situation? My husband has ED and I know it affects how he thinks about sex. We're working on it.

Also, I do have wacky/erotic sex fantasies about all sorts of things. I think this is normal and mostly I think I would chicken out if ever put in a real life position to play out some of them. Maybe your husband thinks he wants some kink, but in reality, it wouldn't work out. For me, if my husband did not want to try any of it, then it would certainly stay as a fantasy.

As for your husband wishing he had more lovers before you, well, I think that is normal too. It doesn't mean he should act upon it, but maybe the two of you can figure out what he thinks he's missed and you can work on that together. Are you willing to try new things that don't involve outside people?

I am not trying to ignore the emotional toll this is taking on you. I'm just thinking more in practical terms. If he becomes pushy/emotionally abusive, that is a definite no. However, have you thought about marriage and/or sex therapy? It sounds like this would be the way to go so your opinions can be heard and understood.

I hope you can figure out how to move forward in a way that protects your own emotional health.