I suspect the urge to dismiss caring as "not real enough" is a defense. I'm not sure it's possible to define a feeling that originates from someone else. We all take in feelings--or not--and define them for ourselves. The feeling as you experience it is yours, and the feeling as she experiences it is hers. One doesn't negate the other. They can co-exist. You can borrow her caring, internalize it, and then it becomes yours, a caring that you can provide to yourself. That's what mothering does.