I've been having a lot of trouble in my life. For most of my life actually, but the last year has been really bad and as of late I've been thinking that the problem might be me. The more research I do the more it seems I may be bipolar. I know I should go to the doctor but I've recently started working in a new country and am still waiting for my visa and health card to be processed. Once it is I'm going to see a professional.

A bit about me,

Im a gay 26 year old male. I had a very hard, and traumatic childhood. My father was a drug dealer and was abusive. My mother was absent and my brother was mentally disabled. I was an effeminate boy and nobody treated me equal because of that. I grew up in a small Christian town. When I moved away for university my life got a lot better as I started discovering talents I had. Mainly because I was around people who didn't judge me. I became a teaching assistant in math, I became a cheerleader and a dancer and won many competitions, traveled to world competitions and was even on TV. University life was great. I have had, very unhealthy relationships with men and I've also had an addiction to marijuana and alcohol. I've been arrested for shoplifting, fired from jobs and screwed up the relationship with every decent guy that has come around.

Life now is stable. Good job, good finances and I'm comfortable. However, I go from being really excited over simple things, to being really unenthused with just about everything in life. I hate most people and think they are all stupid. I don't have any real friends and I find almost all social situations to be bothersome, tedious and predictable. I'm angry about things in my past. I hate myself a lot of the time, especially my appearance and I have had cosmetic work done on my face and plan to do more. I am extremely impulsive and often make horrible decisions that I later regret. I get in these moods where I feel I absolutely must do something that seems great at the time but ends up being totally irrational. Please help me. I'm alone and sad