I practiced Buddhist meditation for 1 to 1.5 years and even took weekend intensive classes but did not find the people to be friendly and did not make any friends. Had CBT for 3 years (both private and group) - people in group hated me. Yes, I made mistakes but, frankly, the constant correcting of my thoughts burnt me out and left me more depressed. I tried; it didn't work.

I have been a walker since my late teen years but as I aged and the bullying increased, it became more of a time when I would experience c-PTSD thoughts than a relaxing time or workout. I have been members of many gyms and have not done well in them. At my last gym, I had someone push me out of the way while I was stark naked and putting on my boxers so they could get to their locker. I also was reprimanded when going up the stairs behind a woman on her blackberry. When she received a message she stopped dead on the staircase to respond. I asked her to continue and type her answer when she got to the top of the stairs. An argument ensued. She said, walk around me. I told her to grow up. I am in my mid-50's and no longer enjoy going to the gym. It takes 1-2 days to physically recover and, frankly, I don't enjoy it. There are no gyms that are conveniently located to my apartment which is in an isolated area. I used to be gym rat. No more. I have not had a lot of success with massage as I really don't like to be touched. My body fights the massage rather than enjoys it. I think it goes back to my mother teaching me that hugs are not important and never, ever hugging her kids. So now, touch is foreign rather than comforting or relaxing.

Last year I took up cycling. After a while, the c-PTSD attacks started while I was riding. And, I got tired of the bike path near my home. This year I have not gone riding once.

I have no artistic skills. People everywhere treat me like crap. I recently tried religion but cannot bring myself to believe it; a lot of it isn't true. People were hitting on me for gay sex in the religious group but I was there just for friendship and spirituality - neither of which I found. Ultimately, I don't believe that god loves me because I have too much on my plate and it overwhelms me. I am NOT thankful to be alive. I am very tired of life. I am very, very sick and while there might be ways to mildly treat my problems, what I really need are cures.