Hi very short thing I need to say? I am very isolated alone with little human contact. I prefer being this way, because it's safe, I cannot balance between being happy and being social. I am beyond alone I lived most of my whole life with very little interaction. I lived my whole life alone and forget that I even exist. I make up perfect friends, because real friends haven't existed. I mean perfect that they accept you and your faults and actually putting effort in being a friend. I am a social butterfly and don't care being around so many people, but I end up being more alone no matter where I am at. Girls are the worst at this, because no matter how of an adult I can be girls will just be girls not women. Since, making other people feel ****** bout themselves is satisfying enough to them. Seriously this does look like I am blaming girls on my problems. I can and can't they put me in the confinement I am in physically, but mentally I am responsible for that and barely trying to keep myself sane after months of no true feelings of intimacy with a girl I am stuck here alone on a computer blabbering on bout my problems of something I always hope for and will never show up no matter. If I go to parties get drunk, meet with friends, or even have me being hooked up. So what I do is kill my self esteem to watch porn to make me feel how pathetic I am. Yes it has distorted my view on life since I was a little kid watching it 4 years after getting raped as a toddler by a 12 year old boy. I just want to forget who I am die. My efforts are always in vain, so if a girl actually is trying to make me feel happy for very shallow reasons I don't give any girl that satisfaction. I am happy when they have only done that, because they feel sorry for me or want me be happy and not know till it's too late I am not good enough. I mean I have looks, friends, my music career is going good, I just want to have companionship not in a sexual way like my previous relationships, but a true friend. When every time I work at it, I get reminded that are no such things as friends where I live. Yeah I could be popular online and make millions of followers or be rich and famous. What does that get me? the same stuff as I had always ****** people and friends. Basically all I do is hope that I die tomorrow, because begging to die with someone than alone. Is more like dying alone than anything else. Yes I know I posted on sexuality issues, you know the more I read on myself people books on people and social interactions the more. I feel I will die alone, because what I truly need will never show up and what I want at the moment to have **** buddy will always be available for a good fix.

I'm sorry