This is something I've asked myself many times before finding this forum. I don't know the answer, which is probably the answer in itself. I've felt bouts of joy or excitement. I've even felt contentment for a day or two. But have I truly felt that I was happy for long periods of time? No. I don't think I ever have, not just since realizing I was different than other kids, but ever. I remember being a young child, five or six, and pushing my friends away then begging them not to leave me. At five. I couldn't control my emotions. I always fantasized and told every one I'd leave the school and then I'd have anxiety attacks where I'd cry and whisper things to myself.
I don't think I've ever been normal and I don't think I've ever felt happy. There is always an emptiness inside me. There is always something I feel I do not have.
Does anyone else with BPD feel like this? Do you remember ever being actually happy?