Gosh, here I go again. I'm having yet another depression "spell". I posted here a few weeks ago in the "general" section and received a LOT of very freindly and encouraging replies but then I lost the link to this forum and felt just horrible about not being able to respond. Thank God I finally found it on a disk earlier today.

Anyway, I suffer from depression (among many other things) and I am told that I am an extremely bitter and pessemistic person. I am always thinking and seeing the worst in people. Noone really cares about me. People are all evil and have sinister motives. Noone is really your friend - they just want your money. On and on it goes. I have this really bad habit of taking all of the world's problems upon my shoulders and feeling like I am responsible for them. I feel like the whole human race is one pathetic peice of something I won't even mention on this board and that we are doomed as a society. I feel like I should have been born in an era where greed, capitalism, corruption and cruelty did'nt exist. I don't like the world in it's current state. I'm sick of living. I'm sick of the way people treat other people (and animals). I'm sick of EVERYTHING!!!!!.

So there you have it. I can't even think straight anymore, have headaches, depression, sadness, disorganized thoughts bordering on "mental dyslexia", anger, rage, mood swings. Sometimes I get really scared thinking that there's some disease eating away at my brain because I just feel all crazy inside and as a man, I'm supposed to be all "macho" so I don't dare tell anyone about my depression because they treat me like crap and don't want anything to do with me anymore - thus reinforcing my hatred for people. It's a conundrum. A vicious circle without end. I am always irritable, achey, miserable. My mind is in a constant fog and I seem to screw up just about everything I try to do and always go around thinking that God is punishing me by making my life extremely difficult. I feel like the "Murphy" in Murphy's law.

Well, my grandmother (maternal) and my mother both suffer from terrible depressio and half of us have been in mental hospitals, attempted suicide and lived with this dreaded disease all our lives. I took a celexa earlier which usually helps but right now I feel like my entire brain could use a MAJOR overhaul. Anyway, that's a little about me. Sorry it's so negative but I can't help it. I am a very bitter and negative person who lived half my life as an abused child and the other half on the streets. I'll share more as time goes on and hopefull when I feel better because I actually do have very happy moments but they are few and far between anymore.

Take care and thank's for listening.