Quote:
Originally Posted by FireBird
I have had doctors downplay my diagnosis all my life. Some go all out and say I'm faking (a doctor at the hospital said directly at my face that I'm NOT faking but since I don't trust anyone I picked up the report and says "I have a good imagination, got the symptoms from the Internet and its not real." Well, after I read that I got very angry and wanted to die. I didn't see myself as worthy of anything since no one saw the truth or believed me. I have had very few doctors on my side. I have had some that started out on my side and then as time went on suddenly didn't believe me. Some doctors are just jerks. They are idiots. About people saying "If you say you have schizophrenia then you don't have it" is not 100% true. It is because many of them lack insight during a psychotic break, but even then its not 100%. Some retain at least a little insight in which they still believe their delusions and hallucinations but understand it might sound a little odd to people on the outside world. They realize to some extent that its not 100% real. But the ones that lose insight are completely surrounded in their delusions and hallucinations and don't believe anyone else that its not real.
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Yup that last sentence is where I've been at since childhood. I had such severe hallucinations as a child. I am forever haunted and dread sleeping waking and doing anything in house alone or be anywhere where I feel alone. I am truly terrified to be alive, because my immediate future looks very grim. I mean I can't become what I want to do in music business and audio production like I already do alone in a professional setting, because of this illness. I mean no matter how good I am the label and the **** that follows it will forever stay with me. It's so bad I can't verbalize completely of my irrationals there is too much information and to many descriptive things to say without being forced to write a book to not even get a somewhat good idea of my experience with it. I mean the label gives me hope that I might have someone who can actually help me locally, but then again no one has seen it like that. The thing that pissed me off the most, was when my therapist social worker told me with a straight face, "You should be happy you're not schizophrenic you are just a negative nancy who only pries the attention of others for your own gratitude because you have a personality disorder." I don't how many times a personality disorder has been replaced to describe any mental illness they are so quick to jump that band wagon and use some ******** response to make feel somewhat good to let your guard down just for a bit so they sinker you in their reel of crap. Absolutely you got that correct what you just said.