I met a guy at a social event. We had a great time and we barely spoke to anybody else. I thought he behaved a bit odd but nothing that would really raise red flags. We ended up at his place and I thought this would be a one-night stand even though I'm not into these kind of things (I'm very good at kidding myself here). He told me he would leave the country within a few weeks and I had no problem with it (told you I was kidding myself).

What I didn't know is that he was drunk that evening to the point of not remembering half of the conversations (including the one-night stand part).
He gave me his phone number and asked me to contact him.
We met again 2 days later. He was way more distant (in hindsight it makes sense because this time he wasn't drunk) so we had our first date. It all went very well and he asked loads of questions about me. He insisted again that he was leaving soon and said "Typical, when I am leaving, I meet a great girl". I told him he wasn't forced to leave but he seemed determined to go home but he wouldn't say why.

We spent a great week. He was perfect, he idealized me and he asked me to move in. He even talked about me to his parents. I was surprised at the speed of it but quite happy. He even started probing very carefully if I would come with him when he moved out of the country.

Then I went on a short business trip and that's when things started to become fishy. His emails became rare and he wrote that he missed me a lot and that it was weird so after 5 days I told him that enough was enough. He quickly answered with loads of excuses. When I came back earlier than planned I found him wasted. He was happy to see me but I was shocked at the state of the flat. He told me he had been faithful and that he told every girl he met that he was with me (how many willing girls do you meet in a park when you're half in a coma?).

He convinced me to go on a one week trip to his country. We stayed at his parent's place. That next week I experienced a new person: tense, irritated, unfair.
I now realize that he cut back on alcohol and that it explains most of his change in attitude. But the change of country played a part too.
But we talked a lot and it seemed ok. He decided that I wasn't evil and that it all was some misunderstanding.

So when did I understand? Actually in the third week he told me that he was an alcoholic and that he wanted to get sober. I thought that he was exaggerating but the relationship became more and more tense and we started fighting for silly reasons. He asked me 3 times to leave his flat but always changed his mind and said that he loved me, was scared of me, that I had to be always right, that I was very smart but that he liked that etc... He even said "you're going to come up with arguments that convince me to go on with the relationship. I hate it when you're right." I think he though I was manipulating, controlling him. So me being right was not a good thing apparently.

The fourth week I finally understood that he was serious. I saw him completely wasted, almost unconscious. The flat was becoming filthy. He expected me to clean it but I was more and more reluctant. Don't they say that an alcoholic must face the consequences of his actions?
The day he had to leave the flat, he was so drunk that I was embarrassed in front of the landlord.
I still hoped for some last nice days together before he went home for rehab but when I showed him how disappointed I was by his drinking he left extremely angry. He said that I was vicious, controlling etc.

I didn't prevent him from leaving. I knew he would get wasted, robbed etc... but I thought it would help him realize that rehab was really urgently needed. I left the country the next day.
After 3 days I sent him an email. He confirmed that he had been drinking, been robbed and that he didn't really remember much. He said that this time he had really touched bottom so I lent him the money to go home for rehab. I know he'll pay me back, he always has.

He was extremely grateful and took the blame for everything that went wrong, which was silly as I'm no saint.
He sent me some nice emails upon his return but when I asked him whether he wanted to end the relationship after our last fight (gratitude is not love), he didn't answer and only talked about the stuff he did during the day. He kept promising he would write properly later.
Given his state, I didn't push the relationship talk. I am not a fool, I know it won't be a piece of cake to support him but since he was willing to go to rehab, I wanted to give it a shot.

We are in 2 different countries now and I was supposed to join him once he started rehab. But his emails become friendly but distant. I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I don't know if I should worry or if he just doesn't care anymore. He must be embarrassed too that I saw him at his worst I imagine.

I know he needs space and time to work through the issues that led to his alcoholism and that our relationship needs to slow down because all went way too fast but I can't stay on standby without even knowing if we still have a relationship, if the feelings are still there on his side. I can slow down and see how it goes but I need to know if he still cares.
He said "I'll see if I miss you". Oh great! Makes me feel all fuzzy inside.
I know that in one month I may call it quits anyway but I can't walk away now if I know so little.

He was never physically abusive and when he went nuts emotionally he was capable of admitting it.

Regardless of alcohol I know he needs to be in charge, he quickly feels judged and disrespected. I can live with that. I don't want to change him. I am not a piece of cake either. He can be in charge if he needs that. I really don't mind.

But now it's hard to know how to act because there's not just the usual relationship stuff. I need to know where I stand but it's really difficult. I wrote an email, telling him that I needed answers. I made it very easy for him to end the relationship. No hard feelings etc... But I'm afraid he will just ignore it even if he answers. He doesn't seem to want me to go but he seems scared of a future with me. So what is it going to be: limbo or dumping through silent treatment?

I am not going to lie. I hurts that he had 2-3 year relationships before and if my relationship lasts only 5 weeks, I'll feel like a failure. Even with alcohol in play, I am the one who feels like a failure.

I tried to do everything right, to be understanding but not to enable. He told me that sometimes he hated me because I was right but that he was grateful for the tough love.
That's great. But I have the feeling that I will do the right thing but be the one alone in the cold, while he gets sober and rides into the sunset with someone else.

Some people tell me to forget him, others that I should demand a clear answer, others that I should wait for him to contact me (I'm over 40, not 25. I don't have my whole life ahead of me to play hide and seek).

I want to be with him IF he loves me enough and if he truly gets sober but how can I know any of this if he withdraws into silence?

I hate this uncertainty .